I Fear the Words: I Don't Know

Every since we were children, we had an idea of what we wanted to do when we grew up. By middle school, we were to have the dream career picked out. High school was the time that you solidified how to get to that dream job; through internships, trade school, or college with the best specialty program. We always had to have the plans drawn up when the questions were asked to what we wanted to be when we grew up or what college we wanted to go to. Those questions haunted our childhood. To not have an answer gave an impression that we had no future set forth for ourselves and were going to turn into someone who works in an industry that is looked down upon for the rest of our lives. What if I just wanted to be a child, have imagination, and live day by day? What if I don’t want to grow up fast?

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I always had a plan. I may not have had the specifics of what my life was going to look like but I knew that after high school, I was going to go to college and find a good paying job afterwards. If that wasn’t going to happen, there wasn’t a “plan b” to fall back on. I knew college was the next step, and only step, to succeed in life to the get the job I want. Right?

Post-graduation, I had my days full of working the same job with the same hours. Sprinkle in the days that I had my to do list filled with projects around the house and that was my normal. When the perfect dream job was in my grasp, I had figured out the exact timeline that I needed to get everything done before leaving to pursue it. Every day was full of the people to say goodbye to, the packing of various items or selling, the exact day to quit my job, and the day I was flying out. Everything had its time to shine. Then, the job fell through- only after I quit my job and had my going away party fully planned out. So, what did I have to work towards then? I don't know. The only truthful sentence I could figure out when I had to explain why I was still in the US. I've never had a time period where there was literally nothing. I never allowed myself to feel fully what a week of nothingness was. In that time, it was stressful. I had to answer to many people and give some sort of a timeline, but there were no set dates to look towards anymore. So, I took a step back and breathed for what felt like it was the first time in years. I eventually figured it out, within a week or so, and got back to the pursuit of the dream life I wanted.

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But who are we kidding, no one knows what they are doing. We’ve all bought into this idea that if we sign up for the 9-5 job that sounds very official, then we’ve made it in the world. I grew up in a household that if you’re not being constantly productive and busy then you’re being lazy. Taking the day off to do nothing made me feel gross as if I’m just wasting away another day when I could be checking off a to do list. However, it is necessary for my sanity to find some time to rest- and I had to learn this after feeling burnt out.

The words “I don’t know” are scary to admit. It gives an impression that I do not have a future planned out and, therefore, I am failing at all what means to be an adult. It shows that my initial plan- made by my younger self- was unable to be grasped. I could not fully set myself on the skills and standards that I acquired and could not become the person I wanted to be. This is a case of imposter syndrome. Which can then spiral to be an identity crisis. All because my fourteen year old self decided on a career dream and was conformed into that lifestyle.

What if we switched that response? What if those three little words did not hold such a negative sound to it? Not knowing becomes more freeing. "I don't know" contains a smile at the end of it because there is the ability to do whatever you simple desire. Nothing is going on that will be a stressor to you nor there is no big project to occupy you away from spending time with friends and family. Flip the script. Take the nothing-filled days and breathe. It is time we enjoy the void and not feel lead to do everything at once.