I'd Rather Stay Single

Ring by spring? Yeah, I'm long past that timeframe. Stepping outside of that bubble, I've noticed I'm not anywhere near being ready for that. Actually, I've been struggling with the idea of marriage entirely.

I have witnessed many failed marriages around me, some being shockingly devastating to others figuring out that the two can no longer live the life they thought they wanted together. Being blindsided down the road and going through a whole divorce, the mess of paperwork and who-gets-what? Yeah, no thanks. I'd rather just be able to do my own thing and choose my own heartbreak, but without much harm or fall out from it.

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Growing up in the church, it's always been talked about when you get married and never an "if". The dream is to find your person so perfectly matched with you and live a happy life together. Happily ever after is the goal, thanks to Disney. Where there are plenty of verses about being married and what marriage is to be like, I looked up what the Bible says about not being married. It says:

"I (Paul) say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is better for them if they abide even as I (Paul). But, if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn." 1 Cor. 7:8-9

In this case, it says that you can stay single, but only based on your own abilities to stay away from engaging in any sins. As much as we'd rather not admit, sometimes our fleshly nature get the best of us. I just struggle with the idea of sharing a life with someone and trusting all that they do and say without the hesitation of something else happening. I want to make sure I don't get myself into a situation where I need rescuing from or have to restart the life I was building up.

It's hard for me to desire that love from someone when it's hard in seeing those types of loving relationships around me. In looking for those real, true, love stories, there's a scarcity. Dating these days is becoming seemingly harder without compromising my own standards and desires for who my future husband is. Without even being picky, there is something that steers me back to the apps in searching for someone new. Maybe my one ounce of hope that he'll appear, someday soon.

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The greatest love story is not the one written from Nicholas Sparks or Jane Austen, but the one where He came down for me and died for me. That's very loving to sacrifice your own life, even in knowing that I wouldn't be completely faithful in this relationship. His love is so great. It's described as:

"Agape" the greek word for "love" is described as "unconditional, sacrificial love". Agape love is "the love of choice". Choosing to love aside of emotions, appearance, or actions of others. It is God's love and is the love that God is. It "is not human affection but is a divine love, commanded by God, produced as fruit in the heart of a surrendered saint by the Holy Spirit (Precept Austin, Love- Agape (Greek Word Study)).

Like, of course I won't find someone who can do all that perfectly. There is no one who can measure up to Christ. However, to at least find someone who is striving towards becoming Christ-like, I'll take it.

Then, with my cute, aesthetic apartment, I think of this scene:

All jokes aside, The Notebook, Pride and Prejudice, and Casablanca, have some work to do if that is Hollywood's effort in what they call love. There is so much more than a handsome man sweeping me off my feet (but can be great in addition with his love for God too) and creating some sense of magic in my life. One day, he and I will cross paths and when that day comes, hopefully God shines a big light over him with a sign saying "this is the guy I chose for you" because otherwise, I may miss it. Having a heart patched up with duct tape and glue, it can be hard to let someone in again. Trusting someone 100- percent is very scary and takes time. Time that I'm not sure I feel like I have enough of.

If anyone else is reading this and relating to it, I want to say I feel sorry for you, too. Keeping pushing through the failed first dates. One day, there will be a second date and then someone who you never stop dating your whole life. Someone who checks all those boxes we have scribbled in the back of our diary. Someone who has been perfectly designed for you.

I'd rather stay single, but God may have other plans for me.