An Open Letter to the Boy I Never Dated

Isn't it funny when your heart breaks more over someone you never even dated?

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Hi?

I’m not sure how to start this. Not even sure if you’re reading this. But if you are:

I hope you’re doing well. I hope that you’ve found that special someone who could give you everything you needed. It just wasn't me that you wanted to fill that spot. The hurt I had once felt in knowing I wasn't ever going to be yours has now subsided. I hope that you’ve at least figured out what you want to do in this life and are pursuing that fully. Passion surely wasn't something you lacked, just in how to use it in all aspects of your world.

Our relationship, if you would even call it that, gave me hope. I so wanted to find that sense of desire for someone again post-long relationship. Visioning a possible life where we wake up next to each other every morning and go through all the motions of life together; the good, the bad, and the inbetween mundane. And you were that. For the short time we were together, I fell hard. I hung onto every word you said, every gesture you made, and every time you looked at me with those big, beautiful eyes, my heart skipped a beat. I felt butterflies flutter in my stomach over someone's name popping up on my lock screen. I wasn't scared to lable those emotions again: love.

You checked every box that I wanted. You made me feel seen and secure. You made me feel as if I could be open to someone again, be myself without hesitation of judgment. You made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe. I hadn't felt that in a long time. I could just grab ahold of your hand when we were walking down the street and not have to overthink my actions. I was safe by your side. And I thank you for that.

Having to take a step back from what we had was hard. It honestly broke me more than I thought it would. I have these moments that I can’t seem to get out of my head between us. You were my endgame, or so it seemed to me. I was completely sold on what we had going. We were barely anything, and now we are nothing. No contact has been tricky for me. I have wanted to update you with my life, this new life I have created that you have never seen. Constant updates as if you would be joining alongside me in this life. But I know that it would have made me fall more into the hole of a dreamt up life with you, completely fictional. You would be entering my next chapter when you needed to be written out of the story.

Because of you, I am happier. I am more confident in who I am. I am stronger when it comes to facing life. I hope one day, someone comes along and makes me feel all the ways you’ve made me feel. Despite that our situation never had enough time to become something more, I won’t ever regret the time we spent together. You were that someone I needed to make me feel alive again. Unforgettable and unwilling to fully let go, you’ll always be that “what if”.

Since you, I’ve been experiencing more of what life has to offer me. Exploring more of the world like we talked about. Checking things off my bucket list as you advised me to make within the first week in my new life. I’ve gone on more dates, sure of myself this time. Maybe nothing converting into a relationship, but at least I know who I am on the date rather than making myself into something that is deemed desirable in the male gaze.

So thank you. Reflecting on you has been nothing but happiness now. Thank you for declining me and what we could have been together. I’m completely and madly in love with my life now, and I truly hope you are with yours too. Thank you for putting those pieces back together within me, the ones you didn’t break. Thank you for seeing me and showing me love wholeheartedly. Love, a four letter word that holds so much. But between you and me, I think I could have loved you more given the chance. Nothing to regret in showing you who I am, just excited for the next one who gets to see the better, improved, version of me.

To more love and wonder,

The Girl You Never Dated

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This is influenced from the book "Call It What You Want".